Breathing

     I cannot seem to think of anything now other than my fatigue. It feels like my body is going to droop anytime . I want to succumb to slumber unfortunately, working is a must. A series of sleepless nights is never really a good idea when you are working more or less seventeen hours a day. I did have a choice to rest last night, but I chose to accompany my mother to tend to my father who was just admitted because of an accident. He was just sent to the operating room this morning before I left for work. In the meantime, when I try to think more, my head gets dizzy and my eyes becomes dull like I could collapse at that very moment. Inhaling fresh air outside is my only resort to somehow energize my debilitating strength. Although breathing was not enough for my weariness, I kept on doing so to manage for the day. I just don’t know how long I can bear with this and if I can ever make it through the day, for in this very hour, as the time slowly passes by, so does my breath slowly fade away.

     However intense I may be feeling right now, I believe my soul and spirit are still solid and firm, ready to endure every devastating storm... And by this time I don’t need to think deep, I just need to breathe deep. Thank God I am still breathing…

Emptiness

“As a rule, man is a fool, When it's hot, he wants it cool; When it's cool, he wants it hot, Always wanting what is not…” As what the poem signifies, human by nature has infinite desires, that when once fail to acquire, will cause him great torment of a feeling of enmity and loss; in short Emptiness.  What is Emptiness? People may have varied concept about it, but I myself, with regards to it have only one definition.  Emptiness is an Empty life, and an empty life means meaningless.

Since I come to know the world and was slowly exposed to it, I got this kind of feeling that I often feel.  It is an ugly explicable feeling that raises thousands of questions wherein answers are hard to come by; seemingly putting me into a never-ending quandary, resulting to an excessive despair.  Excessive enough to make me think that ending life is better than struggling to fight against something that is beyond my comprehension.

 Crazy? Yes indeed. But that is how it made me feel.  After a series of cogitation I came to realize that ending life is never the answer, rather it’s an act of cowardice that will just prove how meaningless my life would be, if I am going to end it. Nonetheless, I managed to keep my sanity, and as   I was musing over my agony, I found varied reasons as a remedy for my debilitating fortitude.

Whilst Emptiness ruminates in my life, it becomes clear that it is a feeling that could possibly dangers one’s life.  Emptiness, when not be controlled will destroy not only good life but also good relationships. Why? Basically, Emptiness is a feeling of bitterness rooted from a feeling of loss. Thus making you feel miserable, misleading your perception of life, thereby wanting you to alienate yourself from the world, preferring to live your life in apathy.

                Living in apathy is a lot of stress; it does not do any good in life and just ruins everything that is left in you. Obviously it is a deterrent for happiness and a trap for having a good life. Furthermore it is a good avenue for loneliness, the turning point to extreme depression that when embraced and nurtured will just worsen everything.  This is maybe just nothing for others, but it’s always a distress when you are fighting against your own self whereby coping up or opposing emptiness is never been an easy game.

                 Mode mastering is one way as to how to subdue Emptiness. Once stricken by it, one should never even think to kneel down and succumb to it. Adopting loss and accepting defeat is one good start to overcome depression. Withdrawing oneself to the crowd is never a good idea in taming loneliness, insomuch that it could make you feel better, and on the contrary it will just make you gloomier.  Finding a diversion or asking some help is never a crime especially if you love yourself. Although Emptiness is one of the hardest feelings to deal with, conquering it is never impossible. Endurance is the key and perseverance is the answer to divert a meaningless life into a meaningful one.

Human by nature is insatiable, reason enough to believe that no matter what, Emptiness will remain in the midst of life ready to devour it anytime. Learning how to master modes is one way as to not be drowned by its charm. Moreover Endurance and Perseverance is a good shield against it. To add up, loving oneself is the will to survive. Nothing is impossible for a soul who has the will to divert a meaningless life into a life with purpose…

Power from the Sky

Ever since a child, when in pain, sorrow and grief, or in bewilderment, I often found myself, alone, in a secluded place, where  I could possibly stare at the firmament. It would not matter if it's under the scorching heat of the sun, or under the shimmering brightness of the moon and star, as long as I can gaze it long as I want.

It's been my life routine and until now, whenever I feel empty, lonely, troubled or scared, I just look up the heaven, and miraculously after wards I feel peace and serenity. I don't know why, but just beholding the sky comforts and calms me. Maybe because of its charm and beauty from dusk till dawn, or of its awesome existence for billion years that shows a spirit of infinity.

            Whatever may it be I believe there is a power behind the sky. One thing I am grateful for, is that I understand that behind the grandeur of the vast welkin, behind the wonderful colors of the rainbows, behind the magnificence of the illuminating moon and the twinkling of the stars, is a power of a great being that never tires to  care, watch and listen. And I knew that whatever censored things or things happen underneath the sky will have its own compensation in due time, and this is my hope. My only supplication is  that, may He never covers His ears with clouds  towards my prayers and never listen... For I rejoice in His majesty that reflects  in the comfort I feel in that wild blue yonder, and forever I will glory that empyrean power I found above the sky...

Search for a New Dawn

July 20 the start of an unknown journey... Thanks goodness and to God I am done taking my id picture for some government benefits... Now time to go back again to the hospital where I have been waiting lately for more than 2 hours. They need a break, so I was forced to come back again... Now waiting time starts.... I hate this long waiting, not that I am impatient, just that I hate the feelings... I hate the crowd, people that walks to and fro in front of me, makes me sick. I hate to see newborn babies thinking how fragile they could be, hate seeing people in stitches and crutches, worst... in wheelchair thinking how helpless they could be... I hate the noise, seems it adds up to the pounding of my heart, making it more faster and more louder, like a loud cry that's deafening me... Why am I here anyway? For a moment my mind is blank. It's been my dream, but.... Why the questions? Why the searching of answers? and most of all why the fears??? Now I couldn't think of anything... Everything just mixed up with the "what if's"... What if I draw back and not continue? Will I ever know? This time is apparently my last chance, the only spark of hope left in my life... I don't wanna regret  that  I never tried and do... I wanna take this chance for the last time, and whatever the outcome may maybe, may God help me... So I stood up, brace myself with my shaking legs, and faced the doctor. It took almost 30 minutes just talking him... Well...need to come back by Thursday for further examinations and clarifications... So let us see what will happen next. This is just the beginning of my searching... for a hope of a new dawn in me...

No One is Perfect

This morning found myself being tagged of a note about lesbians and gays. Coincidentally the prayer meeting's topic lately was also about lesbians and gays, so it triggers me to write about my own views about it. Don't take me wrong as homosexuality is completely out of this topic. And I don't conform with it, as it is against the law, be it naturally or spiritually. I just don't agree and I think it is unfair to say that lesbians and gays are destined for damnation, or they are crazy freaks born out in this world. Who we to condemn anyone? In the first place who wants to be a lesbian or a gay? Are they given the choice what would they be like after being born? It isn't their choice because no one in this world were born by choice and we know this for fact. My point is Lesbians and gays are part of this world, part of Gods creation. They were created as normal people were created. They maybe different in a way but they have also spirit, soul and feelings as normal people do, what I am trying to say is they are also human...And as humans, I believe, Lesbian's and Gay's have rights as normal people have. They have goodness, skills, beauty and talent as normal people do. And as part of God creation I believe they have chances even for ethereal matters, just if they are willing to work for it, for they are humans too. It is not their mistake nor their sin being born that way, so who are we to judge? Instead of mocking and deriding them , why don't we just leave them behind and let them live as normal people do? If we can't treat them good and right why don't we just leave them alone as a respect, even if it's just for the sake of them being human. Lucky are we who were born normal, so let us try to be humane. We maybe born normal, but we are no less than different from them, as we also have our own flaws. No one is perfect and this don't give us the right to belittle anyone or anybody. Unless you haughtily  think and believe your perfect...and Do you...?

Behind This Bleak Black Eye

Behind This Bleak Black Eyes

Look intently, it tells a story. A story from time immemorial,that covers all its corners with darkeness.

It wants to give up when a stranger came, shading colors to it's dull and lifeless world like a knight and shinig armor.

But all of a sudden gone with the wind leaving it alone without even any single traces at all.

It's world tumbles down, as it battles up itself with scattered bits and pieces of its broken dreams.

Now every thing that could be its everything vanished. Left alone with only Loneliness as its friend, the only one that is willing to share its pain, embracing all its heartaches....

So it tells heartache to leave today, search another to lean on, and find any one else to rain on as it is now barely hanging on. For sorrow shallowed it whole, tormenting it to low lament.

Anguish deactivates its system, numb and tired, wanting to cry no more then it bravely whisper... " You won't get to see this tears I cried behind this Bleak Black Eye"

BRUISE

                                                                

You can’t tell I’ve been trough hell...

Just time for me to change my appeal.

Blinded by all kind of lies,

Blame was not the widest way.

Though it tears me up inside,

It gave me a box of lesson to learn...

Though it caused me pain ,

I pray harm will never come it’s way,

For I still dream to find the one…

The one that lives inside my mind...

From a deep scar of a beautiful memory...

Even with the bruise it give me…

@ Cyberstratt cafe

April 21, 2010 - 4:48 Ppm